Is It OK If Big Girls Cry In The Office?

Business and Emotions (In Control) Are A Good Mix

You may also be interested in our popular article for business women, There’s No Crying in Business!

Nearly every female executive I’ve talked with has admitted to crying at work. Their stories usually follow the same pattern.

They tell me, “I burst into tears—early in my career—and was mortified at what I was doing. I had lost complete control of myself. It didn’t matter what other people thought of me as much as what I thought of myself. I have to make sure this NEVER happens again! “ Then each woman then began to develop her own techniques to put into action whenever she felt this might start happening again. And the good news here is that the high-level executives I talked with said they’ve learned to control this behavior.

The men observing tearful outbursts were extremely uncomfortable and in a quandary about what an appropriate response is in the workplace. At home, they might hug the woman, but not at work. Some men reacted by staring at their paperwork and some tried patting the woman on the back. In a few instances, men said they wondered if they were being manipulated.

A woman observing an outburst does not approve of it either. She thinks the other woman should have more control.

I know how much women want to learn techniques they can put into action whenever this might happen. I know because they emailed WomensMedia in huge numbers when we asked if they wanted information on “Crying at the Office.” We then asked a psychotherapist (Linda Poverny) and an executive coach (Susan Picascia) to work together to write an article for WomensMedia. They advised women to take these 7 steps:

1. Anticipate emotionally charged situations and prepare your responses.

2. Increase your self-awareness. Try to figure out if you’re crying because you’re actually angry. If that’s the case, take a deep breath and focus on solving the problem that’s making you angry. Re-focusing on the problem will help you calm down.

3. Women often cry when they feel overwhelmed with work or if their efforts go unrecognized. The advice here to seek out a mentor or a coach to help you. Learn to cultivate a sense of optimism—to realize things generally work out.

4. Compartmentalize — If you frequently cry at the office, your personal life may be intruding on your business life. Create a boundary between the two. And seek support to help you in your personal life.

5. Women are sensitive to personal criticism. Even though this hurts, learn to retrain yourself. You might try focusing on your breathing and using relaxation techniques to slow down your reactions and to gain control.

6. Another technique is to focus on Content instead of the Criticism. For example, talk about how you can get the reports in more quickly rather than on the remark, “You’re too slow.”

7. And if you must, excuse yourself from the room.


Now, the business world is quickly retiring the old adage: “Emotions don’t belong in business.” Tony Schwartz of FastCompany reports that a variety of businesses are exploring the role of emotions in business. “This renewed interest in self-awareness is, in part, the result of the rising corporate power of baby boomers. The increasing presence of women in the workplace and the higher comfort level they bring to the territory of emotions have also nudged companies in this direction. And the arrival of the new economy has made companies realize that what they need from their workers goes beyond hands, bodies, and eight-hour days.”

When we think of emotions, empathy certainly comes to mind. It’s the understanding of the inner state of others. Virginia Satir described a model of this inner state as the Personal Iceberg. In this model, inner state is a hierarchy of copings, feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings and ultimately the Self. She called it an “iceberg” because so much of it is out of view. Empathy is appreciating all of these elements in others.

In business, empathy helps you evaluate how something you are about to say or do will affect those you are working with. It’s important in leadership—it’s important with customers.

Okay, okay, so emotions are the new face of business. A few tears, now and then, are on their way to acceptable business behavior. This is good for women because our chemicals (especially the hormone prolactin) prompt us to cry four times as often as men. What is not good is the feeling of being out of control.

Let me make it clear that it’s not healthy to suppress your emotions for long. When you leave work, analyze how you felt, what made you feel that way, and talk it over with your family and your friends. This will help you balance your work life.

Now’s here’s the Tip of the Week for Business Women.

Tip:

When you feel as if you may begin sobbing, it’s important to not let your eyes look downward. Looking downward brings on the tears more quickly.

Try to think about something else—baseball or golf comes to mind!

Delay the situation that’s causing your discomfort. Say something like, ”Excuse me. I’d like to continue this conversation tomorrow.” Leave the room immediately—put on your sunglasses—and take a walk outside. Don’t go to the women’s restroom where someone might see you break down.

Now, you’ve got the tips to rely on—stop worrying about out of control emotions—and start relying on your talent for using those incontrol emotions which business now appreciates!

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Powerful Communication For Women

Business Women: Change “I Speak Like A Girl” to “I Know What I’m Talking About”

Perhaps you’re that rare woman who proved immune to the nature-nurture pressures to Speak Like A Girl. Chances are you succumbed and now are realizing how much you want to pull yourself up to the I Know What I’m Talking About status. These pressures show up in a variety of communication differences between men and women. Deborah Tannen in You Don’t Understand explains that men use “report talk” to give information that enhances their power while women tend to use “rapport talk” to give information that helps build relationships. Women usually come out ahead in relationship-building communication—and that’s okay. What’s not okay is how we lose out sounding like a leader or an expert. We’re giving away our power in business.

Little boys grow up playing together in groups where it’s of the utmost importance to try to work your way up the hierarchy. When it’s a verbal rather than a physical match, they’ll try for the Put Down. If they’re successful, they’ve climbed one rung higher up the ladder. Little girls hear the admonishment, “Everybody get along. Don’t be bossy.” If you follow the rules, you try hard to pull up the girl who’s having a difficult time, and use subtle pressures to ensure that the bossy girl gets pulled down a rung. We’re All Equal Here is the goal. It’s not going to help us to try to place the blame on nature or nurture. We have a problem to solve: Women are losing out in business. Women are now half of our workforce—46.5% to be exact—and only 16% of upper management. And that’s a huge discrepancy!

In future weeks, I’ll talk about other communication techniques that will help us succeed. This week, let’s concentrate on learning how to sound like I Know What I’m Talking About.

Tip: The next time you’re in a meeting and the discussion starts coming around to an area of interest to you, speak up right away. Studies show men talk more—and longer—in meetings than women. That fact alone makes them look more like experts. Assume the floor and forbid yourself from uttering the phrase “I think.” If you were going to say, “I think marketing needs to work more closely with advertising.” change that to “Marketing needs to work more closely with advertising.”

Now something is probably going to happen next in the meeting that could throw you off balance. If you expect it, it won’t. What’s going to happen is a man is going to challenge what you said. They do this to each other, but research shows they do this more to women. Have 2 or 3 facts ready to support what you said. Deliver them in bullet-points (for easy digestion), without any anger or defensiveness (meaning I’m not an overly emotional woman), and in a manner that doesn’t cause him to lose face in public (so avoid the “I guess you didn’t read the survey results.” comment).

Making a Difference
Find another woman to be your Expert Buddy. Plan your comments and supporting facts the day before a meeting. Agree to help monitor the “I think” comments. When you become proficient, each of could take on a new buddy. Let’s make the workplace better for everyone.

www.womensmedia.com

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Are Women Afraid Of Criticism?

Running From Criticism Is Not A Good Thing!

Ann Handley, on the MarketingProfs blog, says, “I’ve noticed an overwhelming number of male “commenters,” but far fewer female commenters.” Why does this happen on her blog? And I ask, “Why does it happen in meetings? Why does it happen most any time men and women are in a public forum?” Admit it, we’ve all noticed men enjoy taking the floor, expounding their views, and combating any vitriolic comments hurled at them. Women—reading that last sentence—are probably already withering at the idea of setting themselves up for this type of verbal combat. But we’ve got to start doing this more and using our logic to show where the criticisms may be in error. And, for the worst-case scenario, if we see they’re right, let’s admit it and move on. It’s usually not life or death. My advice to women is Stop Fearing Criticism!

Why are men better at letting criticism roll off their backs? (I know I should say “generally better,” but forget about that! Go ahead, criticize me!) The answer is sports! We can credit some of this to the sports boys play. They get used to coaches yelling at them and accept that this is how they’ll improve at a sport. After a while, they don’t take it personally. Maybe this is where Title IX (gender equality in sports) will help girls the most. The more sports they play, the stronger they’ll become—physically as well as personally.

How should you deal with criticism that comes your way? Business consultant Pat Heim instructs women to draw a box around it and then let it go. You can do this in three steps:

1. Tell yourself, “The criticism is this person’s opinion about this behavior at this time.”
2. Consider the source of the criticism. Analyze if the attacker was motivated by a need to undermine you, or a need to help you.
3. Figure out what you need to learn from this event and then drop it.

This last point is key. If you can’t let go of the criticism, several things can happen:

1. It may damage your relationships with others. (You can obsess about it and read into a coworker’s behavior a negative agenda.)
2. It can undermine your colleagues’ confidence in your abilities. (Men may perceive you as weak if you “can’t take the heat” or “learn from your mistakes.”)
3. It can put you at risk of further attacks. (Once a man realizes you’re vulnerable, he may attack you again—just part of his competitive game.)
4. It can reinforce negative self-talk (a debilitating habit that undermines confidence).

You can’t avoid criticism, so stop running from it. The best advice is to learn from the criticism and then just let it go.

Tip: Promise yourself right now that the next time you have an opportunity to speak your mind, you won’t run the other way.

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Short Story- Woman At Work

Dalip Singh Wasan, Advocate.

When I was in the tenth class, I participated in a seminar organized by the Employment Exchange in which they had been giving us information about the professions, trades, callings and employments available in the country and they were also telling us that every person, who has taken birth in this world, has got his own wishes, his own desires, his own likings, his own aptitudes and if he is adjusted at a right work in life, there are chances of his success and such a person shall be having efficiency and sometime he proves a blessing to the nation in which he has taken birth. I started to know myself and in due course when I completed my graduation, I immediately joined Master of Arts in English and completed the same successfully. I wanted to compete for IAS and for that purpose I joined a school which was preparing youths for such competitions. My parents were rich people and they were not liking all that what I had been doing. They were interested that after completing graduation, I should be married and because of my beauty and charm so many youths from rich families had been proposing marriage with me. But I declared that I shall not marry at this stage and shall go ahead and shall be a professional woman and shall be at work. I wanted to serve the nation and my people too.

I became an IAS officer and had been getting promotions after promotions and ultimately after my retirement I was appointed as a Chairman of a Board under the state. The girls in my relations and those who were my friends married and they had been having their own life. Some of them are wives of rich people and have got a band of servants, cars, buildings and bank balances. As and when then meet me they had been saying that I had done something wrong. This life comes once and therefore, one should enjoy this life. On the other hand I was accepting this fact that this life comes once and will never come again, but one should serve the nation, its people and even people living in other countries. Only those people become great who could get their names alive in hearts of so many people around them.

On a birth day ceremony in the house of my brothers, most of my class fellows, my friends, my relatives were collected and it was a grant party. I had the occasion to meet all of them and I was happy that such occasions could collect us all, otherwise, this life was so busy that we could not get time to meet even occasionally. When we were sitting and talking on different subjects, some of my friends passed comments on my choice of life course and they were also commenting that now I am a retired officer and a retired officer is nothing but an ordinary person. I was overhearing all these adverse comments upon my choice and therefore, I wanted to leave this group. I was not happy to hear all these adverse comments.

When I got up and each one present there had a look on my body and one of my friends passed comments, " This lady may have lost so many occasions which we had been enjoying in life, but she could maintain her body, her body structure, her health, her beauty, her grace, her charm and all that which is the ultimate desire of every woman and she could achieve everything in this field. We had been enjoying life, but we lost all grace, all body charm and now we are just decorating ourselves, but in spite of all our efforts, we are not in a position to equate ourselves with this simple lady. " and another passed remarks, " She got all that because she had been having company of men and when a woman remains in company of men, she has to maintain herself and with the passing of time, she had been developing all these habits and now she is a perfect lady and we hare just decorated corps." All laughed and I just passed away with my head up and high.

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Tips for Women Who Want to Work Well with Men

Written by John Gray, Ph.D.

John Gray, one of the world's foremost communication experts, offers 32 tips to help you understand, respect and benefit from the differences between women and men and how they operate, both in and out of the workplace. 1. When presenting a proposal or plan of action, talk less about the problem and more about what you think should be done. 2. Be direct when you make a request. Don't talk about a problem and wait for him to offer his support. Often men feel manipulated when women are not direct. It is as if he "should do it" without your having to ask. 3. Give him more space when he moans or groans. Don't give him a pat on the back. Avoid doing anything that demonstrates a feeling of motherly empathy. 4. Get to the point when making a suggestion. Avoid talking too much about problems. Remember, men hear sharing as complaining. 5. Only complain when you have a solution to suggest. Take less time to explain the problem and quickly move on to suggest a solution. 6. After asking for his advice, be careful not to correct his solution or explain in great detail why you are not going to follow his advice. By allowing him to save face, a woman gains points. 7. Give credit and recognition whenever he has achieved something. 8. In public build him up. If you want to point out a mistake or suggest a change, do it in private. 9. Graciously interrupt in a group meeting. Don't say, "Can I say something?" Instead, go with the flow and say something more friendly like, "That's true, I think . . ." 10. Use a relaxed and trusting tone of voice when discussing work problems. Men are repelled by the tone of being emotionally overwhelmed. 11. Stay focused on the task at hand and postpone the sharing of personal feelings. Keep your work life and personal life separate. 12. When asking for support, keep your emotions out of it and focus on stating what you want. Take time to justify your request if you are asked why you need more. 13. If you must complain to your manager or coworker, be objective and avoid making value judgments like, "It's not fair" or "He isn't doing his job." Instead say, "He was three hours late. I was the only one there to do a job that requires two people." 14. If there is too much being expected of you, ask for the support you need, but don't complain. He reasons, "Don't waste time complaining, instead do something to get the support you need." 15. When making a presentation or discussing something, don't be overly eager or automatically reassuring while listening. Let him feel that he is earning your agreement and support. 16. Pace yourself. After listening to a man, let him know that something is helpful before you bring up more issues or questions. 17. Share your experience to back up a request and don't quote an expert. For example, don't say, "John Gray says you should listen to me more . . . ." Instead say, "I would appreciate it if you would listen a little longer before responding." 18. Stay on schedule. Let a man know up front how long you expect a meeting to last. 19. Distance yourself. As a manager, depersonalize your directions with comments like, "We are expected to . . ." and then ask him to do what you want with a phrase like, "Would you . . ." or "Please . . ." 20. Shake hands. When a man comes into the room and you are sitting, stand up and shake hands as equals. 21. When stress increases, act as if everything is OK. Worrying or showing concern about him can be offensive. A more relaxed response demonstrates a level of trust that says, "I'm sure you can handle it." 22. If you are in a supportive role, rather than do everything in an invisible manner, sometimes ask in a friendly tone, "Would you like me to . . ." In this way, he realizes how much you do and can give you the points you deserve. 23. Don't ask a man how he feels about something; instead ask what he thinks about something. By appreciating his logic, you can score a point. 24. Introduce yourself. In a business setting in which many people are being introduced, introduce yourself so that the male host doesn't have to remember everyone's name and introduce each person. 25. When introducing a man to others, always include his accomplishments, expertise, or role in the company. 26. When you disagree or are challenged by others in a group meeting, stick to your argument and do not digress by sharing how you personally feel. Even if you have a better point, you may be discredited because of your emotional delivery. 27. If an argument has already become emotionally charged,gracefully find a way to take a break. Say something like, "Give me some time to think about this and then let's talk again." Overcome the temptation to say, "You're not being fair." or "You are not listening to me." "Excuse me for that outburst." also works well. 28. Don't take it personally. Recognize that most men don't like being told what to do. If your job requires that you give him instructions, to minimize the inevitable tension, prepare him by saying, "Is this a good time to review some changes?" or "Let's schedule a time when we can meet. I have some changes I need to convey." 29. Be clear about the tasks you want. When dividing up projects or tasks, state clearly which ones you want or prefer. Women don't get points from men for being uncertain and saying, "What do you want to do?" You get points for clarity if you know what you want and then even more points if you make a reasonable compromise. 30. Celebrate the completion of a long or important project. Men, and women, greatly appreciate special occasions to celebrate or recognize people and their contributions. Give awards, certificates, or presents. 31. If you don't have an answer or a solution, don't let on right away. Always appear confident. Avoid the phrase, "I am still working that one out." 32. Display your awards, certificates, and degrees on the walls of your office. Display pictures of you with successful people or involved with different work projects. If a man shows interest, describe your success with a tone of confidence. careers, Jobs Indonesia, Indonesia Vacancy

Women Face Glass Ceiling in Hiring

Imagine you make reservations at a restaurant that is famous for preparing a special chicken dish, which you order when your day to dine arrives. The waiter looks at you and says "No! I think you'll like the fish dish better." He hurries away to put your (his) order in before you can protest. Imagine now, that it's not a meal, but your career course that is being decided by someone else. Someone who thinks he or she knows what would be a more suitable track for you.

When I graduated from college and began interviewing for jobs I found out that my ability to type was more important to prospective employers than my degree was. I wasn't naive. I knew I wouldn't have a secretary to do my typing, and as a matter of fact I'd probably start off as someone's assistant and have to do his or her typing. This was a necessary step to get where I eventually wanted to go as I advanced up the corporate ladder. I was right about that, but here's where I was wrong. I thought male graduates would have to do the same thing to get a foot in the door. One late Spring day I discovered the sad truth.

saw an ad for an employment agency that claimed to have job openings available for recent college graduates in a few different majors. My major, marketing, was one of them. I quickly called to arrange an appointment. When I arrived at the agency's office I was given an application to complete, and then was interviewed by a placement counselor who went over my resume. "Very nice. We have some administrative assistant jobs, just to help you get a foot in the door," she said and then asked me to take a typing test. She led me to a testing room where I sat at a desk that faced the door. She gave me some time to practice before starting the test. While I was practicing, a young man walked into the office. I recognized him as being someone with whom I had taken some classes in my major. I planned to say hello when he joined me in the testing room. He never did. I saw him complete the application and saw him interviewed by the same placement counselor who had interviewed me. It was obvious it was their first meeting. Next thing I knew she was on the phone with the personnel (now called human resources) office of one of the agency's clients. "We have a great candidate for you. He's young, bright, and just graduated. I think you should interview him for that marketing assistant position." "Hey, wait a minute," I thought. "What about his typing test?"

I was being placed on one career path while a man with a similar background was being placed on another. I checked around. I wasn't the only woman facing this problem. This was happening to my fellow female graduates as well. It wasn't exactly discrimination since they weren't refusing to hire me because I was a woman. They just tried to push me onto a career path that was different than the one I desired.

www.work911.com

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Is Female Ambition A Myth

As women advance in the corporate and home based business worlds, there is still a question as to whether or not women have the same ambition as men in the work force. With motivations involving children and family life, do women want to pursue the same career paths as their male counterparts? And if they do, then why are not as many women in executive positions as men?

The fact is that the majority of executive and managerial positions are still held by men. Overall, men are more likely to be hired and promoted within a company. This discrepancy might seem to indicate that women do not have the same desire or drive to succeed career wise as men do. And in fact, this perspective has been the dominant one for many years.

The idea sprang first from the old idea that most women want to get married, have children, and stay at home to raise families. This life path was expected of women fifty, even thirty, years ago. It was assumed that because this was the most common option for adult women, this was the option they preferred.

But as we move into the modern age of a two career household, it is time to re-examine this idea that the average woman, working or not, does not have the same ambition as a man. First of all, are the hiring and promoting trends in corporate society the result of a lack of interest on the part of women or a result of remaining prejudice and a culture hostile to female advancement? The answer, according to a study by Catalyst, a New York research group, is the latter.

The study reveals that 55% of working women and 57% of working men aspire to be the CEO of their company. This indicates that the same amount of ambition exists between the sexes and means that the imbalance of power in corporate cultures is due to another factor.

The study also found that women with children are just as likely to aspire to executive positions as those women without families. This dispels the myth that a woman with children would necessarily prefer to be a homemaker rather than a career woman as well as a mother.

The findings are clear: female ambition is not a myth. However, it is still sometimes an unfulfilled desire due to continuing prejudice and hostile work environments, as well the persisting myth that women are not suitable for executive or leadership positions.

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